Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
