If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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