he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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