I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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