she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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