So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
