Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
