Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
