Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
