I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
