he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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