Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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