I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
