Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
