this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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