My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
