remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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