I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
