I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
