drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize