My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
