I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
