I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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