Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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