When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
