apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
