You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
