There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
