When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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