i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize