All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So many bounce houses so little time
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
