Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you had me at cake vodka
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
