It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
