just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
