Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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