I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
