We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
