it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
