I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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