U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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