I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
