then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
