the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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