Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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