good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
