so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
