they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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