If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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