sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
high people should be assigned attendants
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
