Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just blew my weed a kiss
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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