dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
