I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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