Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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