You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
