How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
