I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
