my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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