Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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