I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
