Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We left the knife in your bed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize